crap

January 23, 2008

i cried for the first time in long time tonight

i really really miss ben

i can hardly handle it

we talk every night now

we spoke in depth to each other for the first time since the middle of the summer

it was really sad, nice, but really sad

i hope that he talks to me tomorrow, other wise i know i’m giong to cry again

liz, if you werent sleeping right now i would have walked the 4 or so feet from my bed to ethan’s bed and hugged you.. i really kinda need it right now

shit, i told him how i actually feel, i told myself i wasnt going to do that shit

and now he probably thinks that i’m a teenage girl with naive hopes of love

and i’m really afraid he wont talk to me for a while


joy…

January 20, 2008

i honestly dont care who reads this

I miss you ben.

i just got finished reading all of the livejournals i’ve ever posted and we had so many good times together, unfortunately we also had a lot of hard times. here’s to (hopefully) rebuilding that friendship

also, here’s to the memory of Joy , a friend that i met at blue lake and became really close to.

She lived in PN but we still talked a least a few times a week for a couple of years, she was also one of the first people i came out to
sadly, she took massive amounts of pills one night because she had too much stress.

on the note she left was my cell phone number so her parents could let me know that she was gone
she didnt die right away, in fact she survived for a few weeks before her body finally gave up

that call from her dad still haunts my dreams from time to time, in the background was music that i didnt know…  i have searched for that song and havent found it

*sigh* also reading this though were some good memories, like mrs. white and me writing latin to each other on my assignments, mrs fenner doing cartwheels fro my 100 at state and the time ashley, tiff snow, ben, and i went to lapeer west

here’s to the past and the future

anyone remember this?:

when in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,
i all alone beweep my outcast state,
and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
and look upon myself and curse my fate.
wishing me like to one more rich in hope.
featured like him with friends posessed.
desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope.
to what i most enjoy contented least.

yet, in these thoughts,
my self almost despising,
haply i think on thee,
and then my state,
like to the lark at break of day arising,
from sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven’s gate,
sings hymns at heaven’s gate.

for thy sweet love remembered,
such wealth brings,
that then i scorn,
i scorn to change my state with kings


guess away, come on you know some of these!!

January 20, 2008
*stolen from samm*

GOOD LUCK GUESSING!!!

share_data={max_recipients:20}

Step 1: put your iPod on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line or two from the first 38 tracks that play, no matter how embarrassing the song may be.
Step 3: Strike through the trcaks when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing, looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game post your own.

WARNING: I have a LOT of music, some quite strange, on my computer. Enjoy!

1.  Don’t step on Samone Over knowin’ Phillipe They’re still on the living room floor, asleep Flight was delayed But they got it so cheap
2. don’t go to bed with no price on your head
3. (saxophone playing)  first notes are a, g#, f#, e, f#, g#, a, a#, b, a, g#, f#, e, f, f#, g#, a Vif, Scaramouche, Darious Milhaud
4. there are people, and they are publishing my book and there’s a party that they are throwing
5. it started off so well
6. (sax playing again) c, bb, g, ab, c, bb, g, ab, c, db, f, eb, c d Sonata, Creston
7. oh yeah it started today in a cloud
8.  senke strahlender gott die Flurem dursten
9. i look at all the lonely people, i look at all the lonely people “Elanor Rigby” The Beatles
10. you were once my companion, you were all that mattered… you were once a friend and father then my world was shattered “wishing you were somehow here again” Phantom of the Opera
11.  who am i, can i condemn this man to slavery, pretend i do not see his agony l”Who am I?” Les Mis
12. at the barber’s ball in the barber’s hall
13. there she goes, aint she the picture of a real life star, you wanna follow her whereever you are
14. Oh I do believe In all the things you say What comes is better than what came before
15. dress up a monkey in armani, he may seem precocious and cute
16. baby’s good to me you know, she’s happy as can be you know, she said so “Feel Fine” The Beatles
17. when i was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to see a marching band “Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance
18. love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love (continues) there’s nothing you can do that cant be done, there’s nothing you can say that can’t be sung “All You Need is Love” by The Beatles
19.  in trutina mente gobi
20. red the call of angry men, black the dark of ages past, red the world about to die, black the night that ends at last “red and black” Les Mis
21. dont want to be a canadian idiot “canadian Idiot” Weird Al
22. as i was walking down the street one day, a man came up to me and asked me and asked me what the time was that was on my watch “Does anybody really know what time it is?” Chicago
23. you know mum, there’s nothin i wouldnt do for you if there was a monster or an ogre or anything like that after you, i’d rip them apart “Not while I’m around” Sweeny Todd
24. i remember a time when criem was sublime there was plenty of loot in the lair, we’d plunder and pilage or ransack a vilage with nary a worry or care
25. dearest darlingest, momsy and popsicle, my dear father “What is this Feeling?” from Wicked
26. in times of trouble, when all the world seems oh so dark, and i can’t find a way to cope mmmm
27. o michigan, o michigan our home (almost cries)
28.  i paid my dues, time after time, after my sentence, but commited no crime “we are the champions” queen
29. were diu werlt alle min (yeah that’s hard)
30.  it’s kansas forever, and whereever i may roam, i’ll see those wide open spaces
31. i waited til i saw the sun, dont know why i didnt come, i left you by the house “don’t know why” Norah Jones
32. i took off for a weekend last month just to try and recall the whole year, all of the faces and all of the places, wonderin where they all disapear
33. mother said straight ahead not to delay or be mislead, i should have heeded her advice, but he seemed so nice “I Know things Now” from Into the Woods
34. sicut cervus, desiderat ad fante aquarum “sicut cervus” palestrina
35. i know a girl who, thinks it goes, she’ll make you a breakfast, she’ll make you toast, she dont use butter, she dont use cheese
36. and so it is, just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time
37. in my heart’s sequestered chambers, lie truths stripped of poet’s gloss, words alone are vain and vacant and my heart is mute
38. clic, clac, dansez sabot, et che crevent le bombardes

got 17, 18, 25, and 33 Great job

got 28 and 11

got 20

got 16 and 22

got 8 and 23

got 3,6, 10, 31, and 34

Ethan got 21


my latest stumblings

January 18, 2008

had very nice dinner and conversation with monica tonight in which we jointly came up with this

music used to be our escape, now it’s our work. Don’t get us wrong, we love music but now we need another escape. I’ve been (attempting) drawing, but i’m also thinking about doing some more rock climbing with monica

http://www.irreligion.org/2007/10/20/norway-theyre-all-going-to-hell/

yay norway


Oh Friday, you rock!

January 18, 2008

a nice and relaxing end to to the week is in order for me.

here’s a general weekend outline

friday:
draw, write, compose, or otherwise be creative
perhaps finish linear algebra homework
stumble

saturday:
draw, write, compose
practice
do theory homework
see spencer
stumble

sunday:
finish whatever thing i’m working on
read for the nature of language
practice
read some more of american gods
stumble

monday:
read yet more of american gods
be glad that i dont have class
practice
draw write compose

and those were listed in order of importnace


tiet ep

January 17, 2008

thu ghoti cwem omn thu pand

(the fish swam in the pond)

yay GBS


important

January 15, 2008

chat with spencer, a commentary by Jon YP

January 15, 2008

(8:25:23 PM) Jon: just workin on a little hw, then i’m gonna go play mario party
(8:25:30 PM) Spencer: ugh
(8:25:42 PM) Spencer: and?
(8:26:33 PM) Jon: thas about it, my lesson yesterday went really well though
(8:27:29 PM) Spencer: .
(8:27:38 PM) Spencer: what else do u do besides school (arent you at least a little happy for me for that, you know how much those caused me greif last semester)
(8:27:48 PM) Spencer: or music related things
(8:28:13 PM) Jon: play games with my friends?
(8:28:17 PM) Spencer: and
(8:28:43 PM) Jon: thats about it, but what else is there to do really
(8:29:12 PM) Spencer: ..
(8:29:14 PM) Spencer: hobbies
(8:29:15 PM) Spencer: u
(8:29:19 PM) Spencer: other things u do                                                (wow, let’s play rearrange the statements)
(8:29:21 PM) Spencer: or like
(8:29:29 PM) Spencer: beside school, music, and video games
(8:29:49 PM) Spencer: isn’t there more to u than that?
(8:29:51 PM) Jon: like tennis… i do that when the weather is right for it (WTF! at least i dont smoke pot, or get drunk to just to get drunk…… is there anything wrong with a hardworking student who is a music major????!  maybe no one should answer that)
(8:30:00 PM) Jon: well i read, and compose
(8:30:12 PM) Spencer: and
(8:30:45 PM) Jon: i used to draw, but i suck so i stopped (grasping at straws here)
(8:30:48 PM) Spencer: and
(8:31:21 PM) Jon: what else are you trying to get me to say? (that i have no life? i’m not afraid to admit that)
(8:31:30 PM) Spencer: i dunno
(8:31:40 PM) Spencer: it just seems like we have nothing in common (imagine that an auto major and a music major dont have a ton in common)
(8:31:41 PM) Spencer: at all.
(8:31:49 PM) Spencer: and nothing to ever talk about.
(8:31:58 PM) Jon: yeah, i’ve felt that a few times (heh, more like every single time we try to)
(8:32:00 PM) Spencer: hence, why we hardly talk on the phone
(8:32:04 PM) Spencer: and when we’re together
(8:32:10 PM) Spencer: we cuddle. which is nice (gotta love the physical stuff)
(8:32:17 PM) Spencer: but seems like because we have nothing to talk about.
(8:32:22 PM) Spencer: ever.] (and that isnt conducive to a good relationsip)
(8:32:26 PM) Jon: yeah
(8:32:43 PM) Spencer: so     (so.. i think we should break up, why do they never come out and say it?)
(8:33:24 PM) Jon: are you trying to say something?
(8:33:27 PM) Spencer: no (yes)
(8:33:32 PM) Spencer: don’t worry about it (worry about it)
(8:34:00 PM) Spencer: i don’t like chattin online really. (so call me dumbass)
(8:34:13 PM) Jon: yeah ( no kidding)


Hu?

January 14, 2008

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.


well, when all is well, but it won’t end well, well, you gotta make it well

January 13, 2008

ugh, i hate this feeling i have right now

i’m shivering and i am not cold at all

things with spencer arent bad by any means, but i just have this feeling that in the long run it isnt going to work out

the distance, first of all, is tough and we are both feeling that economically and emotionally

the unfortunate thing is that i’m horrible at breaking up with people and he really is a nice guy and i’m not even 100% sure that i want to break up with him, because there is always i chance that it will work out in the long run

i just dont think we are connecting like we should, it is nothing like it was with ben, and even though i cant compare everything to what is was with ben, i think that at least a good chunk of what i feel should be strikingly similar

does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?

*edit* this isnt so much an edit as an add-on
i can’t sleep again.. grr…

the problem with breaking up with him is that i really dont like being single, i always want there to be that someone that i can call whenever and just talk, and i’m afraid that if i do break up with spence i’ll end up trying to get with someone that isnt the right guy either… *sigh* i prolly shouldnt think about this stuff at night