lessons from world history, part 1

1. Don’t piss off your peasants. They’ll revolt and kill you.
2. Don’t piss off the short people. They’re mean because people pick on them for being short and they’ll take over the world and kill you.
3. Never invade Russia from the west. The snow will kill you. (The Russians will help)
4. The Germans scream like a girl.
5. The Romans crucified people because it was FUNNY!
6. Charlemagne derived his power from the Hoover Dam.
7. Jesus was crucified because he ate his entrée with his salad fork.
8. Marry for the money.
9. Crosses are funnier if they’re rotating.
10. Ass is a perfectly acceptable name for a donkey.
11. Geography matters.
12. We don’t give a damn about Africa. (But we should)
13. The French always lose. If the French win it is because they are fighting themselves, being led by someone who is not French, or the US is doing all of the fighting. It’s best to just ignore France.
14. The voices in Joan of Arc’s head were not French.
15. We have two popes…what should we do? The Catholic Solution: LET’S ELECT ANOTHER ONE!
16. There are still two popes. We ignore the French one (see above).
17. During the Middle Ages women were put on pedestals and worshipped as goddesses. That’s exactly where they should be.
18. The Jews are the most persecuted people in history. Statistically, they’re bound to start winning sometime. (As long as they don’t piss of their peasants or the short people or invade Russia…or ally themselves with the French)
19. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
20. Joan of Arc was invited to a bar-b-que as the guest of honor.
21. The Great Debate of the Middle Ages: Chunky or Creamy?
22. Burning down cities will not bring your Messiah back.
23. The Romans declared war on China. They didn’t know where China was or what it was but they thought it would be a good idea to declare war on it just in case. It’s always good to declare war on people you don’t know…as long as they don’t find out and kill you.
24. When in doubt pay your enemies to go sack another civilization. Hope that civilization does not have an important looking Pope.
25. Beware of the War Cows
26. It sucks to be a Russian peasant
27. Conquer the world…but don’t forget to govern your empire or it will fall apart
28. You can piss off a king. The worst he can do is kill you. Don’t piss off the pope. He can send you to hell. Nobody likes hell.
29. The Jews are smart. They don’t have a hell.
30. Never use Disney as a historical reference because it is never historically accurate. The Little Mermaid committed suicide. Mulan was killed by her commanding officer. Hercules was NOT the offspring of Hera and Zeus. Pocahontas was 12 years old and bald.
31. If you’re a victim, crucifixion is cruel. If you’re a Roman, crucifixion is cool.
32. It’s better to be feared than loved but it’s better to be loved than to be killed by an angry mob.
33. Don’t kill the grandson of a prophet.
34. Never pick on a civilization that can burn water. We don’t know what Greek fire was, but we know that it was cool.
35. Don’t mess with Genghis Khan unless you want to live your deepest fears.
36. Marco Polo invented spaghetti.
37. Every religion has radical sects. We call them yoo-hoos.
38. The Jews, Christians, and Muslims all worship the same god.
39. Leonardo da Vinci invented chemical weapons.
40. We all came from Africa. Get over it.
41. When dealing with religion, facts are of little importance. What matter are faith and beliefs and the fact that people are willing to fight and die for them. More people have died in the name of God than for any other cause in history.
42. The Vikings killed Christians because they thought they were cannibals and they thought they might become the next dinner.
43. Christopher Columbus did NOT discover America. Nor did he believe that the world was flat. The Moral of This Story: Elementary History Teachers Lied to You
44. Armed with pitchforks, the Chinese could take over the world.
45. Do not mess with a Japanese samurai. Even if you’re Chinese and have a pitchfork.
46. Keep an eye on Poland in case it decides to walk across Europe again.
47. Deterrence only works if all players are rational. It doesn’t work when you’re dealing with nutcases.
48. North is not up. South is not down. If it helps, stand on your head.
49. Istanbul was Constantinople. Now it’s Istanbul not Constantinople. Before that, it was Byzantium.
50. The Tatars did not invent tartar sauce. The Egyptians did invent chocolate cake and for that we are grateful.
51. Strawberry pop-tarts will shoot 3 foot flames out of your toaster if you leave them in there for a really long time.
52. Guys who talk to statues and appoint their horse Consul of Rome generally don’t make good Emperors.
53. You can’t expect much from a guy named after a toilet.
54. The Phoenicians built an entire empire on snail testicles.
55. The Arabs did not invent terrorism. They did, however, invent algebra. This is a perfectly acceptable reason to go to war.
56. The Hindus invented zero. If they hadn’t, most of our grades would be much higher.
57. When uniting Germany, don’t try to rebuild Charlemagne’s Empire.
58. An army of 12,000 terracotta soldiers will not protect you from a mob of angry Chinese peasants.
59. If you’re going to declare that you’re god, make sure that you know how to make it rain during a draught.
60. Switzerland is cool…they have chocolate, pocket knives, watches, banks, the most armed society in the world, and a military that is so effective, its banned from most wars by international law. Not even Hitler was stupid enough to mess with the Swiss.
61. Mercenaries fight for whoever pays them the most money. You can’t trust them not to betray you.
62. You cannot accurately translate Arabic into English. If you want to truly understand Islam you must first learn to speak Arabic. Do not study Arabic because it is “pretty.”
63. When you’re engaged in a civil war you are more vulnerable to invasion.
64. Trade is the best way to spread culture, disease, religion, language, and technology but conquest works in the unlikely event that you don’t have anything that anyone else wants.
65. You don’t put sugar in green tea.
66. The Europeans first sent merchants to trade with you, then missionaries to convert you, and finally armies to conquer you.
67. St. Peter’s Basilica cost the Catholic Church Germany.
68. Alexander the Great was gay.

mathematics

Mathematics Version 2.12

What's new in this update?

* Pi now equals exactly 3.

* e now equals exactly 2.

* Fixed problem where division by zero led to undefined results.

* Fixed spelling mistake in description of Pythagorean theorem.

* Various optimisations now mean that all problems can be solved in polynomial time.

* The term "negative number" has been deemed offensive. The term "non-positive non-zero number" is now in use.

* Various optimisations now mean that all problems can be solved in polynomial time.

* Support is no longer offered for Imaginary Number Feature (i).

* Fixed problem where 1 = .999...

* Now compatible with Microsoft products (65536 <> 65535 <> 100000).

* Fixed problem that lead to the Axiom of Choice being undecidable.

* Implemented L'Hopital's rule for non-indeterminate forms.

* Groups are now required to be abelian; former groups will now be called groupites.

* Fixed the Banach-Tarski cloning glitch.

* Removed the Proof By Contradiction exploit.

* Users may now enter the paradise Cantor created for us for a nominal monthly fee.

* Basic arithmetic is now complete and consistent.

* Fractals have been smoothed out to improve rendering.

* All matrices are now invertible, former matrices are now called matrons.

* Cantor's dust has been swept from the servers.

* New valid method of proof: Proof by Example.

* All incompleteness theorems are now false. Anything can be proven or disproven.

* The halting problem is decidable.

* Anything can be written as an elementary function if we go far enough in calling something elementary.

* The Riemann Hypothesis is false.

* The Collatz Conjecture is false.

* Calculus now consists of only addition and subtraction.

* Fixed known bug where Fermat's Last Theorem failed to hold for n=1 or n=2.

* Due to customer complaints about other implementations, the natural numbers now start at -1.

* After a successful beta test in category theory, proof by diagram chasing is now applicable across all of mathematics.

* During extended server downtime, problems will now slowly solve themselves, simulating the progress you would have been making.

* Fixed bug where large cardinals failed to show up in certain models of ZFC.

* Mobius Strip fixed to have two sides.

* Infinity has been nerfed to constant value of 1,000,000.

* Negative numbers now use differently colored numbers to reduce confusion.

* All numbers above 3 are now a suffusion of yellow.

* Subtraction has been removed, however it is still available on special subtraction servers.

* New Axiom: Axiom of Clarity. If after explaining a proof to someone for 5 minutes, if they still do not understand, they may use the Axiom of Clarity to assert the existence of a proof that your proof is invalid.

* In response to demand, elegant proofs of certain theorems have been shortened that they may fit into the margins of books as commentary.

* Research has shown that random numbers along a finite distribution were unfairly biased towards the digit one over other digits. This has been fixed.

* We are proud to unveil a new kind of super-calculus, which requires twenty people to complete even the most rudimentary calculations over a period of hours of collaborative work. We feel this new math will challenge those at the higher-end of the profession.

* New, epic applications of super-calculus have been implemented as well.

* "Proof by Wikipedia" is now a valid form of proof.

* Feature: Uniform probability measure for the real line has been added. Expect support for other spaces in subsequent versions.

* For a small monthly fee, all infinite series can be summed. All users will be allowed to use that 1 + 2 + 3 + ... = -1/12 for a trial period of week.

* The math servers are going down soon to make way for the new BioWare math.

* Russell's Paradox fixed - sets can now include themselves and not include themselves at the same time.

* For usability, numbers of the form a+bi have been made less complex.

* All "maths" not involving numbers has been split off into daughter projects so that Maths 2.1.2 can now fit in one brain.

* Everyone finally understands how abbreviations and number work, and now the singular word "mathematics" is properly abbreviated "math" worldwide.

A little linguistic humor

Is this not the best mac product yet….lol

V7 vii7

An angered emotional freshman music major (no not me): “SINCE WHEN CAN A V7 CHORD MOVE TO A vii7, THAT IS REGRESSION AND WE CAN’T DO THAT”

what can i say except that i guess some people get really into their theory?

mac commercial

the Nature of ….

the trumpet test went fine
not that i was worried about it

linear algebra feels a little better now, maybe i’ll actually pull an A on the midterm
the nature of language (aside from quartet) is my favorite class, everything we talk about in there is quite interesting

i can’t wait for spring break … 2 days or 10 classes or 3 midterms or 46 hrs from now, i will be going home … and it will be nice

non-prophet

Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?

ok that isnt even that funny, but when i saw this on my igoogle i laughed for like… 5 minutes straight

thanks to brett for showing me this

http://www.eviltrailmix.com/thecount.mp3

this is the funniest thing i have heard in a long time

my latest stumblings

had very nice dinner and conversation with monica tonight in which we jointly came up with this

music used to be our escape, now it’s our work. Don’t get us wrong, we love music but now we need another escape. I’ve been (attempting) drawing, but i’m also thinking about doing some more rock climbing with monica

http://www.irreligion.org/2007/10/20/norway-theyre-all-going-to-hell/

yay norway